NOT FITTING IN

I was never really in just one friend group, I had my feelers all over the place. I think it was because if I spread myself between a bunch of people I could do things a lot and not be judged for it. Like going from group to group smoking bowls with each group, super unnecessary, I was definitely already high but it was like I just couldn’t get enough. I think I was able to act different and be treated different in every group, too, and I liked the way that felt. I could just kick it with my guys, I could get into trouble and be wild with my girls, I could get booze from older guys.  Everyone served a purpose in the wacky play I called my life. Being all over the place ultimately made me feel like I didn’t belong anywhere. I was never “a part of” but “apart from.”

I think that’s a pretty universal feeling in alcoholics (although if you didn’t feel that way that doesn’t mean you’re not an alcoholic). The feeling of not belonging or like we missed out on the class everyone else got about fitting in. I don’t really know how that fits into my life now or how it relates to my alcoholism but I think it’s worth saying.

Again, mind blown, that mom never knew I was up to anything. I remember sneaking off of our roof to go meet up with people and my bedrooms on the second floor and we have a REALLY steep roof. I also remember sleeping in my car so I didn’t have to go home but the weird part is I remember all that random shit but not how I got booze. Memory and alcoholism man, it’s a trip.

Avery

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