CONTROL

I like to pretend that I didn't inherit that obsession with order but I don't think that's true. Looking back I think I had a lot of anxiety. I was a pretty serious kid and I remember having a lot of stomach problems after my parents got divorced. Ironically I remember the anxiety being worse when I was with my dad which you would think wouldn't be the case because there was so much routine when we were with him. I managed all that anxiety by obsessing and doing compulsive behaviors to stop obsessing, I'd wash my hands a ton or organize stuff on tables. Those kinds of things seemed to bring me some relief so I kept doing them.

I don't really remember much of 2010-2014, there was a lot going on during that time though. Mom got remarried and had two girls in short succession, I started middle school, Dad moved from Plymouth to St. Louis Park. Probably part of the memory problems has to do with all of the change. Dad dated a lot of women during that time I think. Mom was with Rob* who was cool at first but very quickly became uncool, trying to control my brother and I, always being very harsh on my brother for no apparent reason. Those were formative years and it was hard to have a guy I didn't really know parent me when I also wasn't very close to my actual dad.

Trying to negotiate rules as I was becoming a teenager was hard, too. At first, the rules included that whatever parent I was with had to know exactly where I was at all times.   And, f it was at a guy friend's house someone would have to talk to that friend's parents to make sure they were home. That level of control helped me hone my deceptiveness which I ended up serving me well as I got older.

When I was about 14 I started getting help for my OCD which had gotten pretty bad. I saw some therapists who I vaguely remember and ended up getting on meds. I think a combination of the medication and therapy helped me get over the OCD which was amazing seeing as towards the end I was dedicating A LOT of time to compulsions. I vividly remember being super pissed that I'd missed a food fight because I had been washing my hands before lunch. The rest of middle school was fine I think. I'm pretty sure I annoyed the shit out of my teachers, TP'ed some houses, awkwardly made out with some guys, the usual teenage stuff.

Avery

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