Chaos and Recovery

I learned something interesting in school today, something I guess I intuitively knew but it was nice to hear as a fact. My professor said that people gravitate toward and create lives that they are used to. The brain wants to maintain the status quo so it will seek out experiences that it knows. Chaos, for example. If I grew up in a chaotic household, my brain will likely seek chaos in my life as an adolescent and adult. My teens and early twenties definitely reflect that, I used to thrive off of the chaos. I accepted that life is dangerous and hectic and there are always fires to put out, which is true especially when you’re using. Of course I got on a bus with a bunch of strangers, they were going to a concert at Red Rocks and they had mushrooms! Of course I walked around asking strangers for drugs in a shady part of my city, I needed drugs for the night. When I was younger I was schlepped around from my parents’ houses, I was constantly in conflict with my step dad, and there were always 10,000 things going on in the house at once. I got used to having a lot going on and finding ways to cope, mostly with drugs. It makes sense now that I was always seeking bedlam, my brain just wanted what it was used to. Now that I’m in recovery I still see myself looking for drama when things get boring but I can stop beating myself up, that’s what my brain is used to! But now that I’m aware of it I have the ability to change and that’s why I love being in recovery.