Addiction sucks. That doesn't mean that I'm not grateful for my experience with it (particularly the part that includes recovery), but I think overall, for everyone involved, addiction sucks. I know for me, dealing with addiction hasn't been a walk in the park. It's more like being part of an avalanche. It can start slowly, and you may not even know you're about to be in the middle of something big. Eventually, my use gained traction and soon I wasn't able to stop what was happening within me and around me. Finally, when I reached my bottom, everything had come crashing down and was so heavy that I had no choice but to try something different, which for me, was being a part of recovery.
In recovery, I've been able to separate myself from the addict part of me. My addict will still try and get me to act on impulse and make poor decisions, but now that I'm not actively using, I can try to choose. I think it's important for people to know that in addiction, the brain of a person who's addicted is hijacked. That doesn't excuse all of our actions, but I think it's important to know that usually people don't set out to be malicious and destroy people's lives by their actions. When I was using, addiction was driving my actions. I did things that my family didn't understand (and hell, I probably couldn't explain it either) because all I was thinking about was how to get my feelings of unease to go away.
Through my work in recovery, I understand that my actions aren't who I am. The things I did in the past don't define who I am today. It's still hard to think about all of the stuff that happened when I was using. I know that one way everything that happened would be worth it is if I can help somebody. I hope that this blog can do just that, help people. That it can be an open forum for people to get real and talk about stuff that's difficult. I know that bringing up stuff that happened in my past is going to be hard but it's part of the process. Helping others and being happy and useful are my purpose now, and I'm grateful to get the opportunity to start a conversation which might help with that.